My loneliness is getting to me in a bad way this evening.
I HATE being alone it's like torture.
I am trying so hard not to do he usual things I do at the moment, as I know it's just a never ending cycle otherwise. Drinking, going out meeting people.
Getting myself into more and more and more and more trouble. I don't want the trouble to continue any more, but I don't know how to be alone.
I'll just end up getting myself into another unhealthy relationship and the cycle will continue. But there's a large part of me that really REALLY wants/needs to.
I miss him hurting me. What kind of freak am I. But I HATE him. And he's disgusting and vile and I am 150% done. And I don't even really care anymore.
I lose myself alone. I become a shell. My identity vanishes. My self image becomes so incredibly distorted.
I'm having dark, dark thoughts and desires and feelings that are disturbing me. And I'm trying my very best not to act on them. But it's like they're taking over my brain. I need therapy and quick.
I think I'm gunna write in my diary how I'm feeling. I like coming on here and writing stuff, makes me feel less alone and like I can choose to do the right things and I don't have to be out of control.
Reminds me what I am trying to do, which is get better. It's hard though.
I am so mixed up and alone. So empty. So dark inside.
The emptiness is just.... Intolerable.
I'm so empty. It's torture. I need a cuddle. Or attention, or something, anything. To fill the hole.
Or to be hurt. I want to be hurt. So numb.
Please take the emptiness away. Please save me from myself. Lord please bring good things into my life. I've been through enough agony. I can't go on like this. I don't know what to do or how to handle it.
Please help me.
I'm going to curl up in a ball now.

You ######6 asshole!
I hope you or someone in your family goes through all the pain I've been through and am going through daily!!!
And I hope that someone refuses to listen to them like you refused to listen to me while I was crying and screaming telling you how badly I wanted to hurt myself!!!
Telling you all the brutal abuse Ive suffered whilst you looked on at me blankly.
Treating me like scum.
YOU'RE THE SCUM.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HUMAN BEINGS THAT CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER....
EVIL!!!!!
You cut me now I'm bleeding I hope you're happy you disgusting cold wanker

Somebody please hold me
It all hurts too much
Wipe my tears away
Stroke my hair, kiss me
Tell me everything's going to be ok
I'm just a child
I'm just a baby
I REALLY AM!!!
And I'm all alone
I'm so broken :'(

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

People have abused me all my life and got away with it. People have bullied me, put me down, physically abused me, emotionally and mentally abused me.
And they've all got away with it. As a result I am very angry at the world and feel like going crazy. I also don't trust anyone. I'm always waiting for the next attack or the next person to hurt me or let me down.
Everyone gets away with it. For various reasons which I won't go in to. How do I break this cycle?
How do I turn this around? How do I become the person I was meant to become? People have held me down and kicked me down my entire life and been allowed to get away with it.
How, how do I stop this NOW. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm more dangerously suicidal right now than I have ever been before. One of the main reasons being that NOONE will listen to me. No one will validate me.
No one will help, no one wants to help. People make me feel as if I'm a spoiled little attention seeker. So then it makes me want to isolate myself even more. Keep my mouth shut more. But it's not right. Why should all the people who have abused me get away with it? Why should they be allowed to go on and have normal lives and I not?!
Why do I inspire such hatred in people that they want to kick me down?!
Why has everyone always been so incredibly jealous that they need to ruin me?
I can't even get help. No one will listen. They're all treating me like I'm some sort of freak.
I know people will say that it's my responsibility how I allow others to treat me. But how am I supposed to do that when I feel like the entire world is against me?
When I don't trust anyone? When I'm so afraid of rejection and invalidation and ready for the next attack or the next asshole. And then I react with anger.
So I try to keep myself away from people or I just submit. So I don't cause even more problems for myself.
I am so alone. I need support so desperately and I feel like the whole world's turning its back on me. It's like they all want me to kill myself. They wouldn't care.
For once in my life I NEED help. IIII am being demanding. II want attention! I want care! Why don't I deserve it?! Am I such a horrible person? Really? People have ruined me.
I am so angry. I WILL NOT TAKE IT I DONT DESERVE IT, I NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND

Well hello again psych forums.
My life in the past 2 years has had so much drama that none would probably believe my story.
I have grown a lot and learned a lot. But here I am. Again. Traumatised. Helpless. Hurt.
I am now pretty sure that in addition to my other issues I have complex Ptsd and at the very least, extremely unhealthy levels of narcissism bordering on full blown NPD. And also BPD of course. Hooray.
I want to get into another relationship as soon as possible.
I am just a numb void. My moods are fluctuating like craaaaaaaazy. I'm getting better at predicting the swings though. Feeling quite down and empty and numb right down despite running around and singing at the top of my voice dancing like a maniac all day.
The numbness is pretty all consuming right now though so I suspect I'll be on the ceiling again later.
Think I'm gunna hang out on here for a bit again, if only to speak to like minded people who understand and just express my thoughts/keep a record of what's going on.
I've taken some painkillers which are now kicking in quite nicely so I shall be going to sleep now.
Will report back tomorrow if I am sober enough which is highly unlikely.
Hello warm fuzzy numbness.